Have you missed me? If not, I’ve missed me. I am still on track with my film watching, and let me say, I have learned so much in the past 48 weeks. Films are an endless source of knowledge. For example, who knew Santa was Russian AND tatted? SA-weet (#47). Or that James Bond grew up in Hogwarts, and that M stood for Mommy issues (#46)? Make no mistake my friends, films teach, and the elitistacademic is a good student.
So here’s a rundown of what I learned from this week’s film, Red Dawn:
[It's been awhile, but nothing has changed. Remember please, this is a no spoiler alert zone. Proceed at your own risk.]
1.) China, North Korea, and Russia are all interchangeable red threats, and we are no longer worried about Cuba. Whew!
2.) Chris Hemsworth, who has enormous arms and a fairly good American accent, needs to stay away from cabins in the woods because I kept thinking of him in The Cabin in the Woods. Also, he’s a good stand-in for Patrick Swayze (MHRIP), though I kept waiting for Hemsworth to bust out some Thor-like “Nays!” and “Nies!” Let’s compare the two:
3.) If you take a gun away from someone who almost shoots you in the head, he will steal your food and become a collaborator. It’s bound to happen. So shoot him while you can or at the very least flip him the bird before you blow him up.
4.) The brown guy dies first, then the black guy and the brown girl, then the black guy, though we don’t have to watch him die. [And ‘scuse me were Robert and Darryl a thang? If so, then I will have to revise this statement to factor in sexuality.] POC may not be outfitted in red jumpsuits or new deck crew members that beam down to hostile alien planets, but they are no less vulnerable.
5.) One white girl Decepticon is worth more than one brown guy and the loss of one white guy is equal to the deaths of five people of color. It’s simple math really. [Note: In a post-US collapse, invasion scenario, the last thing you want to be is a POC cause there’s a bull’s-eye on your back, but don’t worry about the revolutionary uprising: white folk got this.]
6.) Josh Hutcherson still can’t act but his follicles can hold almost any color.
7.) Connor Cruise proves that nepotism is alive and well in Hollywood. BTW he has no idea how to run with a gun, and it is clear he has never actually fired a gun, both of which really bugged me. It’s like pretending to drink coffee out of an empty cup. Liquid has weight! Guns have to be steadied!
8.) Teenagers are smarter than North Korean soldiers, who were just as dumb as Soviet soldiers in the original. WOLVERINES!
9.) It’s not racist to make all bad Asians interchangeable as long as you have one Asian good guy, which shows that they are not all the same. Duh. This is straight out of Yellow Peril For Dummies: Revised and Expanded Edition.
10.) The “d” is silent in Django.